I will wait for you

Lent 2012

It's coming up fast. It starts on feb. 22nd and ends on Easter, April 5th. I am going to try and make it to mass everyday and I'll be blogging about my experience.

Day 1- Yesterday was Ash Wednesday so today was the first day of Lent and I made it to mass! I had to wake up hella early (6:30 am!) but I made it to the 8 am mass at Our Divine Savior Catholic Church. It was a really nice church but there was only old people there. Kinda strange. Literally, I was the only person under 50 in the room O.o

I am feeling a million times better!

This week has been very enlightening. I decided after being upset for a couple days that I don't want to cry anymore. I want to move on and I've finally let go. I'm very happy and I'm doing things on my own just like I have been. I've devoting this time to myself. I did meet someone but we're just friends. We work together so nothing is gonna be happening. I do have a little crush on him though. We'll see what happens in the future!

What do you do then?

All I want is to be with him and I can't be. It's all my fault. I can't stop loving him. I've tried. I've tried everything: focusing on me, trying to be with other guys, blaming him, even hating him...nothing helps. I know what he did was wrong but was it unforgiveable? I don't know anymore. Maybe I pushed him away and that's why he stopped loving me. I don't really blame him. I probably would have given up too.

This is how I feel:

Six months and 8 days later

That's the length of time it's been since me and my ex fiance broke up. It has been anything but an easy journey. I've gone on a roller coaster of emotions from loving him, hating him, missing him, wanting to hurt him, to loving him. I do still love him. I think he thinks I played with his emotions during the months we were broken up though. I wanted to compromise and be with him but I needed him to make an effort and he wouldn't. I couldn't bring myself to be what he needed.

I'm still grieving the relationship. I had a really hard time for a while. I started becoming depressed and I even cut myself once but I sought help and went into therapy at school. I saw a therapist every week for a couple months and it helped a lot. I still miss him but I'm doing ok on my own most days.

Sometimes, I don't understand how he could have moved on so fast. It was like he didn't love me anymore even a couple months after the break up. He didn't try to fight for me. He didn't try to make it work. That's not love. I don't think he even knows what love is. It's heart breaking.

I wonder what he would say if he could read this now? Would he even care? Hmm...It doesn't matter. He's made it clear that he's over me. He even deleted me on facebook. He must think so low of me that he doesn't want me in his life at all. Am I really that bad of a person? I really don't understand. Maybe I never will......

Where's the light at the end of this tunnel?

I don't even know how long it's been since me and my ex boyfriend broke up. I feel like it's been months but I don't even think it's been two weeks. Lately, I've been so depressed. I question myself for the break up. Was there something I did that made him feel like he could treat me the way he did? What impression did I give him that made him think that talking to me like that was ok? I'm so angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at him. I'm mad at the whole situation. I just want us to go back to how we were months ago, before we got engaged. I miss that so much. I've been crying for days.

A part of me wants to forgive and forget but I can't. How the hell can he think it's ok to raise his voice to me? How the hell did I fall in love with a man like that? How did I not see it coming? I wanna tell him I miss him but I can't. I shouldn't. I don't want to play with his emotions. I want all of our pain to go away but that's not easy. I lost my best friend. I feel like I don't even know him. I was so angry. I said some really bad things about him out of anger and I regret it. We can never be together again. It's breaking my heart. I just wanna stop crying.

Finding myself single again.

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up three days ago. Well, I broke up with him. We broke off the engagement around the 1st. I can't remember the exact date. So much has been running through my mind since I left him. I miss him but I really don't see how things could work out between us. I love him though. It's so confusing. We still talk sometimes but maybe we shouldn't. I should just focus on myself. I really need to focus on myself. I have so much growing to do. I have so much to learn and I'm gonna be moving for school soon. We just need to move on with our lives.