Lent 2012

It's coming up fast. It starts on feb. 22nd and ends on Easter, April 5th. I am going to try and make it to mass everyday and I'll be blogging about my experience.

Day 1- Yesterday was Ash Wednesday so today was the first day of Lent and I made it to mass! I had to wake up hella early (6:30 am!) but I made it to the 8 am mass at Our Divine Savior Catholic Church. It was a really nice church but there was only old people there. Kinda strange. Literally, I was the only person under 50 in the room O.o

I am feeling a million times better!

This week has been very enlightening. I decided after being upset for a couple days that I don't want to cry anymore. I want to move on and I've finally let go. I'm very happy and I'm doing things on my own just like I have been. I've devoting this time to myself. I did meet someone but we're just friends. We work together so nothing is gonna be happening. I do have a little crush on him though. We'll see what happens in the future!

What do you do then?

All I want is to be with him and I can't be. It's all my fault. I can't stop loving him. I've tried. I've tried everything: focusing on me, trying to be with other guys, blaming him, even hating him...nothing helps. I know what he did was wrong but was it unforgiveable? I don't know anymore. Maybe I pushed him away and that's why he stopped loving me. I don't really blame him. I probably would have given up too.

This is how I feel:

Six months and 8 days later

That's the length of time it's been since me and my ex fiance broke up. It has been anything but an easy journey. I've gone on a roller coaster of emotions from loving him, hating him, missing him, wanting to hurt him, to loving him. I do still love him. I think he thinks I played with his emotions during the months we were broken up though. I wanted to compromise and be with him but I needed him to make an effort and he wouldn't. I couldn't bring myself to be what he needed.

I'm still grieving the relationship. I had a really hard time for a while. I started becoming depressed and I even cut myself once but I sought help and went into therapy at school. I saw a therapist every week for a couple months and it helped a lot. I still miss him but I'm doing ok on my own most days.

Sometimes, I don't understand how he could have moved on so fast. It was like he didn't love me anymore even a couple months after the break up. He didn't try to fight for me. He didn't try to make it work. That's not love. I don't think he even knows what love is. It's heart breaking.

I wonder what he would say if he could read this now? Would he even care? Hmm...It doesn't matter. He's made it clear that he's over me. He even deleted me on facebook. He must think so low of me that he doesn't want me in his life at all. Am I really that bad of a person? I really don't understand. Maybe I never will......

Where's the light at the end of this tunnel?

I don't even know how long it's been since me and my ex boyfriend broke up. I feel like it's been months but I don't even think it's been two weeks. Lately, I've been so depressed. I question myself for the break up. Was there something I did that made him feel like he could treat me the way he did? What impression did I give him that made him think that talking to me like that was ok? I'm so angry. I'm angry at myself. I'm angry at him. I'm mad at the whole situation. I just want us to go back to how we were months ago, before we got engaged. I miss that so much. I've been crying for days.

A part of me wants to forgive and forget but I can't. How the hell can he think it's ok to raise his voice to me? How the hell did I fall in love with a man like that? How did I not see it coming? I wanna tell him I miss him but I can't. I shouldn't. I don't want to play with his emotions. I want all of our pain to go away but that's not easy. I lost my best friend. I feel like I don't even know him. I was so angry. I said some really bad things about him out of anger and I regret it. We can never be together again. It's breaking my heart. I just wanna stop crying.

Finding myself single again.

Me and my ex boyfriend broke up three days ago. Well, I broke up with him. We broke off the engagement around the 1st. I can't remember the exact date. So much has been running through my mind since I left him. I miss him but I really don't see how things could work out between us. I love him though. It's so confusing. We still talk sometimes but maybe we shouldn't. I should just focus on myself. I really need to focus on myself. I have so much growing to do. I have so much to learn and I'm gonna be moving for school soon. We just need to move on with our lives.

The 5,000 Question Challenge Part Two

101. What does happiness/joy feel like physically? contentment and stability

102. Live five people you love starting with the one you love the absolute most
A. My mom
B. My dad
C. My sister
D. My fiance, Richard
E. My papa

103. How many movies have you gone to see this month? none

104. If you could have 3 wishes...but none of them could be for yourself, what would you wish for?
I wish that my mom wouldn't be in pain anymore.
I wish that all my sister's dreams would come true.
I wish I could restore my Dad's roadrunner for him.

105. In what ways do you relax and de-stress when you are really tense? Pray, play or listen to music, I blog, go on MSOS.

106. How much money would it take to get you to drive to school naked in the springtime and get out of the car? A LOT.

107. Have you ever killed an animal? NO
108. Have you ever lost someone close to you? Yeah, lots of friends and family.


109. What do you think of cloning? It's itneresting but not a good idea.

110. Do you read or watch TV more often? Not really.

111. With all this talk of terrorism going around are you willing to sacrifice rights and freedoms for increased safety? Yeah, I would love to join the military.

112. What is the punishment you would come up with for Osama Bin Laden if you caught him alive? I can't. He's dead.

113. Have you ever named an individual part of your body? Haha, no.

114. Have you ever been on the radio or on TV? I've been on the radio once.

115. Have you ever won a lottery, or sweepstakes? Nope. I wish!

116. Have you ever won a contest or competition? I don't think so.

117. Do you like to watch The Joy of Painting show with Bob Ross (check out this link if you don't know who he is. Also please note me if you notice the link is broken) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bob_Ross_(painter)? No, I've never even heard of it.

118. Do you know what your grandparents and your great grand parents did for a living? My Papa was a truck driver and my G-pa was a firefighter.

119. Is there anything really interesting in your family history?

120. Is there anyone you trust completely?

121. Have you ever lost someone without having the chance to say goodbye?

122. How do you feel about women in politics?

123. Would you rather have an indoor Jacuzzi or an outdoor pool?

124. What things are you interested in that you study or read about on your own?

125. Would you consider yourself to be intelligent?

126. Would you consider yourself to be wise?

127. Have you ever given or received a lap dance?

128. Have you ever spoken to a homeless person?

129. Would you ever creep into the subway tunnels to go exploring?

130. If you could add 70 years to your life but only by making some random person die 70 years sooner would you?

131. Can you finish any of the following lyrics?

A: Nothing to kill or die for...

B: Late comings with the late comin' stretcher...

C: I could make a film and make you my star...

132. Were you ever with someone while they died?

133. Would you rather be a world political leader or a rock star?

134. Have you ever given someone a love letter that you wrote?

135. Have you ever sent someone a surprise though the mail?

136. Are you looking forward to any concerts right now?

137. Of all animated movies, which is the best one you've ever seen?

138. What are the best bands or songs to listen to while driving?

139. What do you think is the most amazing thing that anyone has ever accomplished?

140. What could a member of the opposite sex do to impress you?

141. About how many emails do you get a day?

How many of those emails are junk mail?

How many of them are forwards?

142. What's your favorite thing to do online besides write in your diary and hang out at this site?

143. Do you believe Kurt Cobain (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kurt_Cobain) killed himself or was it a conspiracy?

144. Have you ever though about hitchhiking across the country?

145. Who would you bring with you on this kind of a road trip?

146. Of the following, which word best describes you: accurate, bold,

charming, dependable

147. If you are single, at about what age do you think you will be ready to settle down and get married? If you are married, how old were you at the time?

148. Do you often wonder, when you say goodbye to people, if it is the last time you will ever see them?

149. What movie are you most looking forward to seeing when it comes out?

150. What is your quest?

151. What is louder and more annoying: 200 adults talking or one four-year-old screaming?
152. Do you believe the stories about planes, boats and people mysteriously disappearing into the Bermuda triangle?

153. Who are you the most jealous of?

154. What is the happiest way you can start your day?

155. Do you ever have moments where you feel like everything is all right in the world?

156. Who thinks that you are offensive?

157. If you had to teach a class in something, what would you be able to teach people?

158. Have you ever had a spiritual experience (an experience that cannot be explained by science)?

159. Do you believe that this experience was truly mystical or do you think there is some scientific explanation for it, only you don't know what it is?

160. Do you get offended easily?

161. Would you still love and stay with your signifigant other if he or she had to have a breast or testicle removed?

162. Do you believe in fate or free will?

163. Do you believe that only boring people get bored?

164. Can life change or are we all stuck in vain?

165. What changes are you afraid of?

166. Are you a day person or nocturnal?

167. What one CD could you listen to for an entire week (no mixed CD’s, it must be an album)?

168. Which is worse, working in retail, food service, or an office?

169. What's the coolest job you ever had?

170. What is one central idea that your thoughts seem to come back to?

171. Have you ever wanted to be an actor/tress?

172. If you had the power to control one person and make this person do anything you wanted for a whole day, who would you pick and what would they do?

173. What star sign are you and what is your sign like?

174. Did the Blair Witch Project scare you?

175. Are you in constant fear of death?

176. Does fear of death keep you from building a life?

177. Do you like all your movies to be in wide-screen?

178. Are you a fan of any comic books?

179. At what age did you attend your first funeral?

180. What do you smell like (lotion, cologne, sweat)?

181. What are your greatest sources for wisdom?

182. When you were little, where did your parents tell you babies come from?

183. What is your favorite band?

184. What's the best cheesy 80's song?

185. What's the best kind of movie to see on a date?

186. Do you like to sit in the front, middle or back of the Movie Theater?

187. Have you ever been inside an abandoned building?

188. Under what circumstances would you agree to work for free?

189. Candles or strobe lights?

190. Do you think the Lord of the Rings movies are true to the books or did Hollywood change the story too much?

191. When you see a stranger on the street does your first reaction lean towards thinking of this person as a potential friend or as a potential threat?

192. Is it natural for human beings to fear and distrust each other, or is it cultural?

193. What do you really want to buy?

194. You have to choose. Would you be happier marrying someone rich for their money or living in the streets and subway tunnels with someone you love?

195. If someone wanted to understand you what book could they read that would help?

196. Do you think it’s odd that Americans have freedom of religion and yet call themselves 'one nation under god'?

197. In what sense are you a minority?

198. Are you anti social?

199. Do you photograph well?

200. Do you think that human beings would survivor through a nuclear winter?