Lent 2012

It's coming up fast. It starts on feb. 22nd and ends on Easter, April 5th. I am going to try and make it to mass everyday and I'll be blogging about my experience.

Day 1- Yesterday was Ash Wednesday so today was the first day of Lent and I made it to mass! I had to wake up hella early (6:30 am!) but I made it to the 8 am mass at Our Divine Savior Catholic Church. It was a really nice church but there was only old people there. Kinda strange. Literally, I was the only person under 50 in the room O.o

I am feeling a million times better!

This week has been very enlightening. I decided after being upset for a couple days that I don't want to cry anymore. I want to move on and I've finally let go. I'm very happy and I'm doing things on my own just like I have been. I've devoting this time to myself. I did meet someone but we're just friends. We work together so nothing is gonna be happening. I do have a little crush on him though. We'll see what happens in the future!

What do you do then?

All I want is to be with him and I can't be. It's all my fault. I can't stop loving him. I've tried. I've tried everything: focusing on me, trying to be with other guys, blaming him, even hating him...nothing helps. I know what he did was wrong but was it unforgiveable? I don't know anymore. Maybe I pushed him away and that's why he stopped loving me. I don't really blame him. I probably would have given up too.

This is how I feel:

Six months and 8 days later

That's the length of time it's been since me and my ex fiance broke up. It has been anything but an easy journey. I've gone on a roller coaster of emotions from loving him, hating him, missing him, wanting to hurt him, to loving him. I do still love him. I think he thinks I played with his emotions during the months we were broken up though. I wanted to compromise and be with him but I needed him to make an effort and he wouldn't. I couldn't bring myself to be what he needed.

I'm still grieving the relationship. I had a really hard time for a while. I started becoming depressed and I even cut myself once but I sought help and went into therapy at school. I saw a therapist every week for a couple months and it helped a lot. I still miss him but I'm doing ok on my own most days.

Sometimes, I don't understand how he could have moved on so fast. It was like he didn't love me anymore even a couple months after the break up. He didn't try to fight for me. He didn't try to make it work. That's not love. I don't think he even knows what love is. It's heart breaking.

I wonder what he would say if he could read this now? Would he even care? Hmm...It doesn't matter. He's made it clear that he's over me. He even deleted me on facebook. He must think so low of me that he doesn't want me in his life at all. Am I really that bad of a person? I really don't understand. Maybe I never will......